What is narcissistic abuse?
do you...
...find yourself surrounded by narcissists, or seem to always end up in relationship with one?
...only have one real source of social support: your narcissist?
...believe other people's wants are more important than your needs?
...avoid conflict at all costs?
...self-isolate, even when there's no narcissist isolating you?
...suffer long-lasting shame for that one mistake you made, but continually forgive all the many mistakes your partner’s made?
If you answered yes to all the above,
you may be a victim of narcissistic abuse.
x important things to understand about
narcissistic abuse
gender doesn't matter
Narcissists and their victims can be male or female. We tend to think of narcissists as being male and their victims as female, but female narcissists and male victims are very common as well.
NARCISSISTS PROGRAM THEIR VICTIMS
Narcissists target potential partners who have been partially
pre-programmed via the emotional abuse from a narcissistic parent, and
further program them into a source of narcissistic supply who will not
leave nor seek help. This programming is often referred to as "complex PTSD."
LEAVING IS ONLY THE FIRST STEP
Even after having left the narcissist, their programming remains. Unless
de-programmed, the narcissistic abuse survivor will continue isolating
themselves and eventually end up back together with their ex or in a relationship with a
new narcissist.
PEOPLE WON'T UNDERSTAND
It is very difficult for a narcissistic abuse survivor to find anyone
who will truly understand their situation. Though well-meaning, their advice and attempts to help will often be unhelpful -- at times even
harmful. This is one of the reasons group therapy is very important for
treatment of NA abuse survivors.
SURVIVORS SELF-ISOLATE
Because of low self-worth and high levels of anxiety, survivors will
continue to self-isolate. For this reason, survivors rarely have any
true social support or bi-directional friendships (ie., relationships in
which both parties give and receive from the other). They are often surprised when they realize the friends they have are all taking advantage of them.
SURVIVORS INTUITION IS COMPROMISED
Well-meaning sources online often advise survivors of narcissistic abuse
to listen to and follow their intuition. It's true that narcissists
manipulate their victims by convincing them not to trust their
intuition. However, because of their programming, survivors have great
difficulty discerning the difference between the remains of their
helpful intuition vs the strong anxiety (and "wrong feeling") resulting from programming intended to prevent the victim from taking steps
toward healing. This strong resistance appears to be the
number one obstacle preventing treatment. A compromised intuition is
what initially leads victims into relationships with narcissists, and
continuing to follow it will likely lead a survivor back into a
relationship with another narcissist.
DEPROGRAMMING IS POSSIBLE!
Fortunately, survivors of narcissistic abuse are able to undo their programming, and in group therapy, we go through this process. However, to function in life without this programming, several additional skills must be learned, including: (1) assertiveness skills, (2) conflict resolution skills, (3) needs monitoring, (4) cognitive restructuring, and (5) coping techniques.